How we all probably feel

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Out of Control

One of the hardest things about dad having cancer was the feeling of being out of control, but yet WANTING to be in control of as much as I could (if that makes sense).

The only way I could maintain any control was to research and try to control which hospital to go to, which doctors to choose, which treatments to take. It eventually turned into control over dad's diet and exercise. I read tons of books and websites on cancer, nutrition, and treatments. Looking back, I think I drove my dad CRAZY! Poor guy just wanted to eat a little bit of pie, but oh no, that had too much sugar in it and sugar feeds cancer. It makes me so MAD at myself when I think back on it. He gave up so many foods and drinks that he loved. I do think it helped him stay strong and healthy through chemo. The doctors were amazed at how well he did through some EXTREMELY HIGH doses of chemo. But in the end, what did all that matter? He spent the last 16 months of his life not being able to enjoy some of the foods he loved most. Here is yet another area of guilt that I carry. Although, I know I was trying to do what I felt was best for his physical health, I wonder how that affected his emotional health?

It was all about trying to regain some control . . . .needing to have some sort of control over a disease that YOU CANNOT control. I wish I would have spent as much time praying as I did researching. What was my faith really in. . . . .my research or God??

Marci

Running For You Dad

Dad was a fighter. He showed more fight and endurance than most anyone I know. He also never complained! That was one of the things I admired the most about him during his 16 month battle with lymphoma. I remember after he passed thinking. . ."I am NEVER going to complain again. If dad could go through all that and not complain. . . .then I have NOTHING to ever complain about!" That was a nice thought, but I do not have the self control that my father had. I try harder and I am definitely more concsious of it when I do complain, but I DO still complain.

So, as I am preparing to run the Chicago Marathon to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, I am focusing on Dad, his endurance and his fight. I'm focusing on how he pushed through the pain, the treatments, the hospitals, the doctors, the diets and how he kept on fighting until the very end.

When I am ready to quit, I will think of dad, and I will keep going!! I wish he were here to cheer me on- - - -because I KNOW he would be in Chicago on the sidelines cheering as I ran by. He was always there cheering me on!!

If you want to follow my training journey for my first marathon, you can visit Reason For Running. I have to raise $3,700 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so if you would like to donate, check back and I should have a website where donations can be given.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today would have been Dad's 60th birthday! Mom was with me at our house in Oklahoma and we talked about him and I couldn't believe it was his 60th already. Boy how time flies! We all still miss him dearly and always will!!

So, HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY DAD!!

Sears Truck

The boys were playing with this Sears truck the other night and it made me think about dad again. I love little things like this that make me remember him. Though it made me sad again, I was glad that I got to talk to Clayton about grandpa and how this was the truck he used to drive on his job. The work van that he drove for years looked just like this one. He gave this toy Sears truck to the kids a few years before he passed. I am thinking maybe I should put it away and save it so it doesn't get either broke or lost.

Dad was such a hard worker and great employee of Sears for around 30 years (not sure exactly- - mom you can correct me). He NEVER called in sick and even when he started getting sick with cancer, before we knew it was cancer, he worked right through being sick, throwing up and feeling just TERRIBLE!! He was such an admirable man!

By being a Sears technician for so many years, he could FIX ANYTHING!! This was good and bad! It was good because we saved a lot of money not having to buy new things when things broke or pay someone to come out and fix things. BUT it was bad when something became SOOO old and we really, really just wanted a new one- - -he would fix it. I remember having a hair dryer that was probably as old as I was and dad would just keep fixing it. He even put an entire new cord on the thing. It was so ugly and outdated, but dad wouldn't let us get a new one because he said this one worked just fine!! It irritated me a little as a teenager, but I have grown to really appreciate those things about him as I have gotten older.

The day my world collapsed

It was October 28 I will never forget that day. Walter had previously had some tests done and we went to the doctor to get the results. We never suspectd what the doctor was about to reveal to us. He said that no one wants to hear what he is about to tell us. He said you have cancer and you need to be admitted to the hospital immediately. He would make all the arrangements and he would get all the best doctors he knew. I thought I was going to collapse right there. Walter was so composed. He took the news alot better than I did. I was so shook up Walter would not let me drive him to the hospital. He drove himself. Once we got there several doctors started examining him. He had a large tumor in his abdomen. He was retaining fluid and was in kidney failure. I was in shock most of the day. I did manage to call Michelle, Marci and Brad and his parents. They were going to have to schelule surgery as soon as possible to put stints in so his kidneys would be able to start functioning again. This was the first day of the long journey we were about to embark on. It all seemed like a nightmare and I wished I would wake up. I will post more on our journey later. This is very hard for me because I still miss him so very much.

Patty

He Was Always There

I'm sorry I haven't wrote anything until now. I'm not good at things like this. I'm still having trouble with the fact that he is really gone. I do ok with sharing memories and talking about all the fun times we had with him, but actually talking about my feelings is hard for me. He was such a wonderful man. He was always there whenever we needed him. I remember how he would always stop by during the day when he was in town. My neighbor even asked my one time why I was having so much trouble with my appliances, because it seemed like there was a Sears van in my drive-way every other day. He was always there for my kids, too, whether it was basketball, baseball, softball, soccer, band etc. He would get up early every day, go to work and if he would get off early enough, he would go home, get my mom, and go to whatever event my kids were in that day, get home late, then have to get up early again the next morning. He loved his grandkids so much! I am so happy that my older children were able to spend so much time with him and that is why they miss him so much. It also makes me sad to know that my youngest will never even know what he is missing. I will try to write more later.
Michelle

October 2004

Well, now that we have some GOOD memories of dad posted I will begin the story of when all of our lives changed FOREVER!

It was late October 2004 when I received the phone call. Leading up to this phone call, my mom and I had not been speaking for a few months over an argument we had. It was an awkward moment. . . .and I can vividly remember my mom saying, "Can we just let bygones be bygones". She went on to tell me the incredibly scary news that they thought dad had cancer. My dad was the healthiest person you would ever meet- - -he couldn't have cancer! Everything that had previously kept my mom and I from speaking for months was GONE- - -it didn't matter- - -it was soooo trivial!! I was in SHOCK and my mom needed me!!

Dad was pretty sick by this point. The tumor in his abdomen was HUGE and it was blocking the tubes leading out of his kidneys which was causing serious fluid retention and kidney failure. They were going to have to do surgery to put stints in his kidneys to get his kidneys functioning again. I immediately called Jeff and told him we needed to figure out a way to get to Indiana ASAP!!

I started packing, Jeff figured out what he needed to do to leave town and we headed to Indiana- - -that very night. I remember being on the internet in the van ON THE WAY there researching everything I could about cancer - - and especially what we thought dad had, which was either kidney cancer or lymphoma. I contacted Cancer Treatment Centers of America and was really impressed with their staff and hospital. They answered a ton of questions that I had and were very helpful. I wanted dad to go to this hospital. However, he had to get through "lots of other stuff" before he would even be well enough to go- - -it was in Chicago.

This was the beginning of my education on cancer and treatments and throughout the course of the next 16 months, I was referred to as "Web M.D." Some doctors were irritated by my knowledge and my questions and others were quite impressed. I learned that doctors only tell you as much as you are able to ask about. They hide a lot of information if 1. they don't think you will understand 2. you don't ask a lot of questions 3. they are simply lazy and don't care. We ran across all of these types of doctors.

Marci

Should've listened to Grandpa!

So its only been a day since I posted my last memory and I've already got another one...

So, there were these firetruck parades every year in west Terre Haute that we always used to go to. Of course it was always a win win situation. The kids got candy and Grandpa loved the firetrucks of course.

Well, a long time ago it was just my grandma and grandpa and me, we all went to the parade. My grandpa knew all of the firefighters that were going to be driving the trucks so we went back and were talking to them. One of the firefighters gave me this plastic red fire hat. My grandpa told me to wear it, and I was just like "No, I'm not gunna wear that here." Well, he kept trying to get me to wear it, but I wouldn't. So we all walked back to their car and I put my hat in there. Then we walked back to where we were before, we were all just standing there talking to grandpa's friends when all of a sudden I feel something wet hitting me on the head, I turn to grandpa and I ask him if he's throwing something at me. He said no and I really didn't believe him because it seemed like something he would do. Well, I felt the wetness for a few seconds and then my grandma looked over at me and she just started dying laughing! I was like, "What, what is it?" and she just turned to my grandpa and said "Look at Ashley's head" then he looked over and he started laughing too. Well, pretty soon everyone was laughing and I was still standing there wondering what the heck is on my head! Finally, my grandma told me that a bird had pooped on my head. Well, obviously I thought that was pretty disgusting, the firefighters gave me some wipes, but we definitely walked back to the car and I put that fire hat on. Haha.

When we got back to grandma and grandpa's house my grandma told me to go take a shower, and I said that I was afraid to take a shower because if I did then the bird poop would get all over me. My grandpa thought that the whole situation was pretty funny and of course said that I should have just listened to him in the first place.

Now, I wish I would have!

Ashley

I Made it Through the Day

Well, I made it through the day pretty well yesterday. We were very busy!! I have realized that being busy is a good thing when you are sad. The busier, the better! However, sometimes I enjoy those quiet moments that I get to stop and think about dad and miss him. God gave me a small amount of time yesterday morning before church to just sit and look at his picture and listen to the Homesick song and cry- - -ALL ALONE!!

I am thankful for the friends who came over last night and kept me company through my sadness. I also was able to chat with my mom and see how she was holding up. We all just miss him so stinking much. I know it is terribly hard for her! She is doing much, much better though. We have realized that the pain doesn't go away, missing him will never go away and we just have to move on WITH those feelings rather than waiting to move on when those feelings go away.

Marci

G-Pa

My grandpa was probably the most respectable person I have ever met. He would talk to anybody. He also devoted a lot of his time to helping people. He was a volunteer firefighter for as long as i can remember and would go at any time of the night to help whenever that little buzzer thing went off in the house. Also, he could fix anything. If anything was ever broke or not working properly we just told grandpa and he fixed it. It was funny he would always be watching tv in the back room at their house, always with the volume really loud. Anyway he would always fall asleep while he was watching tv, and the remote would be somewhere on him, and when we were little we would sneak up and try to take the remote. Normally he would wake up, i dont know how but he did.

He is a great role model for anyone but especially me and i am extremely happy that he was a part of my life.


Andy

Grandpa

So I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to post a memory but I'm going to anyway.

Walter Pilant is my grandpa, my mother's father.
So now, I'm going to share a memory I have of my grandpa...

So, this was a really long time ago, I was about 8 years old, it was when my aunt and uncle (Marci and Jeff) either just got married or just started dating, I can't remember. Well, me, my brother, my mom, dad, Marci, Jeff, Grandma and Grandpa all decided to go shopping. Well, when we were all done and ready to go home, I decided that I wanted a balloon. I started crying, I really wanted a balloon! Everyone was telling me that I didn't need a balloon and that they were ready to go and we were leaving. But no, Grandpa wouldn't let them leave until he found me a balloon. I can't remember if it was raining or not but my grandpa carried me around on his back until he got me a balloon... Everyone else just kept saying "She doesn't need a balloon, lets just go." and then my grandpa said "No, she wants a balloon, I'm gunna get her a balloon." Well, needless to say, My Grandpa found me a balloon.

This is just one of the many memories I have of my grandpa.

I also remember of how he always used to be ahead of everyone else. He walked so fast, you had to work pretty hard to keep up with him. Like, at amusement parks. Wow! Walking around with him all day really is a work out. He also used to always have those straps that you wear around your neck that carry your water bottle for you. I don't know why I remember that, but I do.

One time, my grandpa, grandma, my brother, and I all went to an amusement park in Florida, well my grandpa was way ahead of us and Andy was with him, me and my grandma sort of got left behind and then all of a sudden, we couldn't see them anymore. We were lost! Then, we walked around looking for them for a while and we turned around and WOAH! there they were! It was pretty funny.

So, I've never really had a chance to share all of these memories, thats why this is so long but I think I have one more.

That same time that my grandma, grandpa, and me and my brother went to Florida, we wanted to ride the drop zone...or something similar, I can't remember what it was called. Well, you had to go inside of a building and wait in line to get on the ride. Of course, my grandma waited for us outside. Too scary for her! So there wasn't really much of a line we had to follow the ropes to where we were supposed to go. Well, my grandpa was walking ahead of us and he didn't see that we were supposed to turn and he ran right into the rope. He had to lean completely over the rope, everything fell out of his pockets, it was so funny! Me and my brother kind of stood there laughing for a second and then of course we helped him pick up the contents of his pockets. We laughed about that for a while.

Well, I think that is all the memories that I'm going to share right now. Maybe some more later on.

Ashley

Where to Begin???

I have been thinking about starting this blog for some time now. I think about dad a lot, miss him a lot and really don't know where else to "vent" these feelings. I have thought about all of my dear, close friends that live here in Bartlesville who have never had the privilege of meeting my dad and it makes me sad! What an important person in my life and I cannot share him with my closest friends. :>(

So, with the 2 year anniversary of my father's death quickly approaching (Feb. 10th), I have finally mustered up the emotional strength to start this journey of sharing- - -sharing my dad with whoever wants to know him. Or for those who do know him- - -to know him more!!

I opened this blog up for others in our family to be able to post messages as well so I really hope some of them will share stories and memories of my dad. I hope to share the good memories as well as the story of dad's last 18 months while he was fighting for his life. It is going to be hard to go through those months again, but I so badly want to share his story and I think it is important. Please be patient with me if there are huge gaps between posts. There are times that I just CAN'T let myself "go there". I am sure there are going to be completely random posts thrown in along the way as well- - -my girls are wanting to post about grandpa too- - -so please bear with us.

My dad was an amazing man!! I want his legacy to live on!!

Marci

Goofy Grandpa

My grandpa was always playing with you. But there is one thing that I liked A LOT, and it was when my grandpa would do the Donald duck sound. Then one time my grandpa and grandma went on a vacation and while they were on vacation my mom went in labor with Camryn. So they tryed to get to the hospitail as fast as possible. They made it, but they were up all night so my grandpa and grandma did not get very much sleep. So that morning the went to McDonald's for breakfast. So they ordered and my grandpa was so ticked off because they didn't give him what he ordered he said the food was nasty, so he threw the sausage pattie at the ceiling. That is how I remembered my grandpa, Goofy Grandpa. Grandma if there is anymore details that we didn't get please comment .

In Christ,
Kayla

My Grandpa

Hi, This is how I am related to my Grandpa. He is my mom's dad. He was really fun. One time Grandpa and Grandma took Kayla, Clayton, and me to Celebration City. It was awsome. And he made really cool sounds. And one day my Grandma and Grandpa came down to see us. We got pictures taken. That was aslo fun.

This is one of the pictures.

He got cancer and got really sick. And one day I went to sleepover and when my dad came to pick me up he said " Grandpa died while I was at the sleepover". That's all I can say.

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