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Monday, August 25, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Out of Control
One of the hardest things about dad having cancer was the feeling of being out of control, but yet WANTING to be in control of as much as I could (if that makes sense).
The only way I could maintain any control was to research and try to control which hospital to go to, which doctors to choose, which treatments to take. It eventually turned into control over dad's diet and exercise. I read tons of books and websites on cancer, nutrition, and treatments. Looking back, I think I drove my dad CRAZY! Poor guy just wanted to eat a little bit of pie, but oh no, that had too much sugar in it and sugar feeds cancer. It makes me so MAD at myself when I think back on it. He gave up so many foods and drinks that he loved. I do think it helped him stay strong and healthy through chemo. The doctors were amazed at how well he did through some EXTREMELY HIGH doses of chemo. But in the end, what did all that matter? He spent the last 16 months of his life not being able to enjoy some of the foods he loved most. Here is yet another area of guilt that I carry. Although, I know I was trying to do what I felt was best for his physical health, I wonder how that affected his emotional health?
It was all about trying to regain some control . . . .needing to have some sort of control over a disease that YOU CANNOT control. I wish I would have spent as much time praying as I did researching. What was my faith really in. . . . .my research or God??
Marci
The only way I could maintain any control was to research and try to control which hospital to go to, which doctors to choose, which treatments to take. It eventually turned into control over dad's diet and exercise. I read tons of books and websites on cancer, nutrition, and treatments. Looking back, I think I drove my dad CRAZY! Poor guy just wanted to eat a little bit of pie, but oh no, that had too much sugar in it and sugar feeds cancer. It makes me so MAD at myself when I think back on it. He gave up so many foods and drinks that he loved. I do think it helped him stay strong and healthy through chemo. The doctors were amazed at how well he did through some EXTREMELY HIGH doses of chemo. But in the end, what did all that matter? He spent the last 16 months of his life not being able to enjoy some of the foods he loved most. Here is yet another area of guilt that I carry. Although, I know I was trying to do what I felt was best for his physical health, I wonder how that affected his emotional health?
It was all about trying to regain some control . . . .needing to have some sort of control over a disease that YOU CANNOT control. I wish I would have spent as much time praying as I did researching. What was my faith really in. . . . .my research or God??
Marci
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