How we all probably feel

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Out of Control

One of the hardest things about dad having cancer was the feeling of being out of control, but yet WANTING to be in control of as much as I could (if that makes sense).

The only way I could maintain any control was to research and try to control which hospital to go to, which doctors to choose, which treatments to take. It eventually turned into control over dad's diet and exercise. I read tons of books and websites on cancer, nutrition, and treatments. Looking back, I think I drove my dad CRAZY! Poor guy just wanted to eat a little bit of pie, but oh no, that had too much sugar in it and sugar feeds cancer. It makes me so MAD at myself when I think back on it. He gave up so many foods and drinks that he loved. I do think it helped him stay strong and healthy through chemo. The doctors were amazed at how well he did through some EXTREMELY HIGH doses of chemo. But in the end, what did all that matter? He spent the last 16 months of his life not being able to enjoy some of the foods he loved most. Here is yet another area of guilt that I carry. Although, I know I was trying to do what I felt was best for his physical health, I wonder how that affected his emotional health?

It was all about trying to regain some control . . . .needing to have some sort of control over a disease that YOU CANNOT control. I wish I would have spent as much time praying as I did researching. What was my faith really in. . . . .my research or God??

Marci

Running For You Dad

Dad was a fighter. He showed more fight and endurance than most anyone I know. He also never complained! That was one of the things I admired the most about him during his 16 month battle with lymphoma. I remember after he passed thinking. . ."I am NEVER going to complain again. If dad could go through all that and not complain. . . .then I have NOTHING to ever complain about!" That was a nice thought, but I do not have the self control that my father had. I try harder and I am definitely more concsious of it when I do complain, but I DO still complain.

So, as I am preparing to run the Chicago Marathon to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, I am focusing on Dad, his endurance and his fight. I'm focusing on how he pushed through the pain, the treatments, the hospitals, the doctors, the diets and how he kept on fighting until the very end.

When I am ready to quit, I will think of dad, and I will keep going!! I wish he were here to cheer me on- - - -because I KNOW he would be in Chicago on the sidelines cheering as I ran by. He was always there cheering me on!!

If you want to follow my training journey for my first marathon, you can visit Reason For Running. I have to raise $3,700 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so if you would like to donate, check back and I should have a website where donations can be given.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today would have been Dad's 60th birthday! Mom was with me at our house in Oklahoma and we talked about him and I couldn't believe it was his 60th already. Boy how time flies! We all still miss him dearly and always will!!

So, HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY DAD!!

Sears Truck

The boys were playing with this Sears truck the other night and it made me think about dad again. I love little things like this that make me remember him. Though it made me sad again, I was glad that I got to talk to Clayton about grandpa and how this was the truck he used to drive on his job. The work van that he drove for years looked just like this one. He gave this toy Sears truck to the kids a few years before he passed. I am thinking maybe I should put it away and save it so it doesn't get either broke or lost.

Dad was such a hard worker and great employee of Sears for around 30 years (not sure exactly- - mom you can correct me). He NEVER called in sick and even when he started getting sick with cancer, before we knew it was cancer, he worked right through being sick, throwing up and feeling just TERRIBLE!! He was such an admirable man!

By being a Sears technician for so many years, he could FIX ANYTHING!! This was good and bad! It was good because we saved a lot of money not having to buy new things when things broke or pay someone to come out and fix things. BUT it was bad when something became SOOO old and we really, really just wanted a new one- - -he would fix it. I remember having a hair dryer that was probably as old as I was and dad would just keep fixing it. He even put an entire new cord on the thing. It was so ugly and outdated, but dad wouldn't let us get a new one because he said this one worked just fine!! It irritated me a little as a teenager, but I have grown to really appreciate those things about him as I have gotten older.

The day my world collapsed

It was October 28 I will never forget that day. Walter had previously had some tests done and we went to the doctor to get the results. We never suspectd what the doctor was about to reveal to us. He said that no one wants to hear what he is about to tell us. He said you have cancer and you need to be admitted to the hospital immediately. He would make all the arrangements and he would get all the best doctors he knew. I thought I was going to collapse right there. Walter was so composed. He took the news alot better than I did. I was so shook up Walter would not let me drive him to the hospital. He drove himself. Once we got there several doctors started examining him. He had a large tumor in his abdomen. He was retaining fluid and was in kidney failure. I was in shock most of the day. I did manage to call Michelle, Marci and Brad and his parents. They were going to have to schelule surgery as soon as possible to put stints in so his kidneys would be able to start functioning again. This was the first day of the long journey we were about to embark on. It all seemed like a nightmare and I wished I would wake up. I will post more on our journey later. This is very hard for me because I still miss him so very much.

Patty

He Was Always There

I'm sorry I haven't wrote anything until now. I'm not good at things like this. I'm still having trouble with the fact that he is really gone. I do ok with sharing memories and talking about all the fun times we had with him, but actually talking about my feelings is hard for me. He was such a wonderful man. He was always there whenever we needed him. I remember how he would always stop by during the day when he was in town. My neighbor even asked my one time why I was having so much trouble with my appliances, because it seemed like there was a Sears van in my drive-way every other day. He was always there for my kids, too, whether it was basketball, baseball, softball, soccer, band etc. He would get up early every day, go to work and if he would get off early enough, he would go home, get my mom, and go to whatever event my kids were in that day, get home late, then have to get up early again the next morning. He loved his grandkids so much! I am so happy that my older children were able to spend so much time with him and that is why they miss him so much. It also makes me sad to know that my youngest will never even know what he is missing. I will try to write more later.
Michelle